No, Thanks - I'll Pass

Some goods and services probably should not be advertised. At the very least, certain goods and services don't translate very well with traditional advertising gimmicks. Since I am a captive audience for radio advertising during my long commutes, I am bombarded with all sorts of promises and enticements. There are some ads, however, that give me pause.

The first service (or maybe it's a product) is a fertility clinic, which has taken to advertising its "donor egg program" on the air. While the spokeswoman's testimonial seems heartfelt enough, I squirm a little each time I hear it. Is this something I need to know between the weather and the traffic report? But the real hook comes at the end of the ad. If interested parties attend a free seminar (I'll spare you the biology lesson), they are automatically entered into a drawing to win a free egg. Yes...that kind of egg. I guess, when Mummy and Daddy refer to the resultant Junior as their "little prize," they won't be exaggerating.

The second product (or maybe it's a service) is a men's clinic. The first startling thing about this ad is the doctor's name. I'd tell you his name, but I don't want to be sued. Anyway, his product is for men with erectile dysfunction who "want to last 90 minutes or longer." I don't know about you, but what immediately comes to my mind when I hear that is: "Not tonight, dear, I have a headache." However, the piece d' resistance of the piece is the doctor's final offer. He will gladly give his patient his money back "if you don't have a positive experience the very first time, right here in my office." How, pray tell, is that "positive experience" accomplished?

Finally, the last bit of advertising wasn't actually on the air but in the air. Sort of. One sunny spring afternoon, I was driving past a cemetery. Over its wrought iron gates was a big, bright banner:

"Plots Still Available. Buy One, Get One Free."

Uh...no, thanks. I'll pass.