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Friday, September 20, 2013

Being a Stepmother


Mary’s recent heartfelt blog about Motherhood and Otherhood really touched me.
Like Mary, I am not a mother.
I am a stepmother. 
Recently, a blogger I’ve never met invited me to guest interview. Because her blog has the word, mother, in the title, I told her upfront that I am not a mother and asked if being a stepmother “qualified” me.
She said, “Sure, being a stepmother counts.”
Although my personal experience suggests being a stepmother counts much less, her response encouraged me to submit.
Her first question stopped me in my tracks—If your children are at home, how do you find time to write? If they have moved away, how did you write when they were home?
Being the other, lesser mother, my stepchildren never lived with me. Theoretically, we were the “every-other-weekend parents,” but the not infrequent last minute cancellation calls from their mother meant we too often saw them less. I never got used to those calls, and cried every time she cancelled. I also held onto the hope it would get better when my stepchildren became adults and could choose for themselves. Then, in their mid-twenties, when my stepdaughter was pregnant with our first eagerly awaited grandchild, their mother issued an ultimatum. She had shared her children with us and didn’t plan to share her grandchildren. They had to pick—they could have either her or us in their life, not both.
My instinct when I read that interview question was to not go anywhere near my practically healed-over ache. Then, at my FDU alumni writer’s workshop, I saw a documentary by Kevin Carey and Mark Hillringhouse about poet, Maria Mazziotti Gillan
In the film, Maria alludes to the crow on our shoulder—that doubt or insecurity or fear—that holds us back. She talks about the need to tunnel into the cave—our heart and soul—to write authentically. After reflecting on Maria’s wisdom, here’s how I answered the interview question:
This is a difficult question for me and my instinct was to skip it. After seeing an inspiring interview with poet, Maria Mazziotti Gillan, I realize I need to venture into the cave and respond. I don’t have children of my own, but I’m a stepmother. Being the other, lesser mother, my stepchildren never lived with me. Without going into all of the details, the short answer is that it has always been more the absence of my stepchildren than their presence in my life that intrudes on my writing time.   


How did the host blogger respond? She didn’t! And, she never posted the interview, seemingly confirming that in the end, being a stepmother doesn’t really count after all.   


People occasionally ask me if Jim and I regret our decision not to have children together. I don’t regret it and believe it was the right decision for us.
What I do regret is that the children (and now grandchildren) who I chose as family, at least for today, choose not to be part of my life.

35 comments:

  1. It's their loss. Having you and Jim in their lives would have been a wonderful blessing. I count you as one of a handful of truly loving and giving couples that I know.

    Julie V.

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    1. Thanks Julie. Knowing we had a lot of love to give them makes it that much more baffling.

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  2. Carol,
    This must have been very hard for you to share. Thanks for having the courage to do so. However, I disagree with you. Being a step-parent does count! You do count and matter! It takes a special person to make the choice to become a step-parent. You made that choice and shame on the children and their mother for not recognizing and appreciating you and all that you have to offer them. You do count and hopefully one day they will come to realize what they have missed out on all these years!

    Nilda

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    1. Thanks Nilda, I know from our heart-to-hearts that you understand. Your comments reminded me of a conversation I had with my Godmother thirty-something years ago when I told her Jim had children, and made me both smile and tear up.
      carol

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  3. Tragic. Pure and simple. I will refrain from speaking of the 'mother' but am saddened that these children, now adults, did not assert themselves. They and their children are missing what could be an incredible circle of love and family. I would hope, one day, they will realize their loss. Keeping positive thoughts that the grandchildren, when older, will choose to embrace all the love available that would enrich their lives and their own children in the future.

    Blessings for a peaceful heart <3

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  4. thanks Mary Anne, it's hope and the love and support of friends that gives me that peaceful heart :)

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  5. Carol,

    If it is any help, my wife and I decided not to have children either and it was the right decision, right for us and who we are. It is a brave decision. I don't think that I could have taken the rejection when I was younger and all children reject their parents at some point in their lives. My needs to give myself this freedom over my own life were greater than the human urges to create offspring. It is a different kind of life, a good life, but different and I praise that ability to be different.

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  6. Thanks Mark, it does help to know.
    At least part of what influenced us in our decision was wanting to be able to provide for Jim's children.
    One of those plans that I suppose gave God a good laugh :)

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  7. The first thing that popped into my head was wow did they miss out! You have not been a part of my life for very long but wow what I would have done through my years growing up to have you in my life with your wisdom and presence and now as an adult with a child and husband of my own. To be able to share with you my happy times, sad times, growing times.... When I get to talk to you or share an email I always leave touched in some way and I hope a little better of a person. And sometimes we talk about nothing and I still can feel your presence when you leave. You have this way about you and if I could bottle it and keep it for myself I would but that would be unfair to everyone else. You may not have had children of your own that you carried for 9 months but I think everyone you meet would agree you have "raised" us all having just been able to be in your life no matter how big or small. I am sorry Jim's children never took the opportunity to get a little piece of you because that is all it would have taken to touch them deeply and enrich their lives beyond what they could have imagined. Love ya - Beth :-)

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  8. Ah Beth, I'm touched and lucky and grateful to have you in my life. Xoxoxo carol

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  9. Very sad situation Carol. My heart feels for you. Very hard. Have you read The Underside of Joy deals with a bit similar issue? It's a good read.

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    1. I'll add The Underside of Joy to my to read shelf. Thanks

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  10. Thanks for sharing this story and I agree that the courage it took to do so, shows us the kind of person these children chose to reject. I am sorry for you truly, but even sorrier for them.

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  11. Wow, this was a great post, heartfelt and courageous. I can hardly think of how to comment without repeating what has already been said. It is too bad some feel the need to issue ultimatums, and I would only hope that someday your stepchildren have the courage to say "No. If YOU want to be in OUR lives, then you must live with the others we choose to include."

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  12. Hi Jacquie and Lynn, lest you think I'm braver than I am, it's taken me years to find the courage to write and talk about this out loud.
    thanks for your thoughts

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  13. Carol - Such a brave post. I'm saddened that she didn't run the post - I wish she would be inclusive rather than add to any stigma that surrounds the valid choice not to have children. But you should feel proud that you "tunneled into the cave." It's a wonderful post for all writers - Thank you.

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  14. Jasmine, your comment reminds me that in a way, I gave her the power to add to the stigma as we so often do when others do things that hurt us. Then I realized, hey, I have a blog, I can take back my power and post it there :) carol

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  15. It's very sad that you and Jim's grandchildren have never met and they did not have a choice in the matter to have you two in their lives. Hopefully when they get older they will seek out their unknown grandparents. You know the expression "It takes a village to raise a child". You two would have deeply enriched their lives. Gina

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    1. Gina, I've always felt that we all lost out, not just Jim and I, and that does make it more senseless and sad

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  16. Hopefully that was cathartic for you. So, you didn't fit into the blogger's very small hole- says more about her than it does you. Carol- I have had multiple step parents and "step" does not necessarily mean "lesser". To me, lesser is the parent that selfishly puts her needs before those of her children. You shouldn't regret that they choose not to be part of your life. You can be saddened by it, sure, but it's not your choice to regret. You (and Jim) could have made it harder and more drama-filled, but my guess is you let it go to make it easier on the children. Is that what you regret? Can anything be done now? Otherwise, feel good about that the fact that you faced your feelings AND that you have your nieces and nephews and their little ones with whom you can share love and joy (and spoil, then send home!!).
    Dawn G-C.

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    1. Dawn, you nailed it. Jim and I often swallowed and let go rather than put his children in the middle. Sometimes, I wonder if that looked uncaring. I do find peace knowing our motives where never hateful

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  17. Carol, as the stepmother of five, I can totally relate to your post. It is a difficult role! In some ways, having three children of my own makes it even more so, because there is a lot of jealousy and comparing what each other has/does. A friend of mine put it so well when she said that we don't have less love to go around, we have MORE love in extended families. The kids don't always realize this. I hope they come around in spite of the mother's ridiculous ultimatum.

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    1. Blended Families can be so complicated.
      Btw, I enjoyed your blog on Charleston, but couldn't log in to leave a comment. I often have that problem on Wordpress.

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  18. Carol, This post certainly struck a nerve with the masses. Makes me wonder if there is a book in here for you. You can write the ending as you hope it will turn out. As everyone here knows, they are missing out on a treasure in you and Jim, who are the most wonderful people that we know. Glad you have nieces and nephews to spoil.

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    1. Chris, when they were younger and we were in the middle of it all, I often thought about writing a book because when I looked for books to guide me, I rarely found what I needed. Now, I don't know that I can dredge it all up. Just writing this took a toll.

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  19. Carol, sadly, it is their loss as much as yours, they have missed out on the treasure that you are, and the amazing man that their father has become. Perhaps one day, they will see the error of their ways. I know that you will always keep the door open to that possibility. A stepmother is not a lesser mother, she is a blessing in her children's lives.

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    1. He is amazing, and yes, our door stays open. carol

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  20. Thanks for a great post, Carol. You are courageous to have written it. I join the others in affirming that your stepchildren and grandchildren have no idea how much love they have missed. Nor do they realize that it takes so much more (negative) energy to shut out rather than open up to let in. So you continue to love from afar and to love without conditions. Big hug!

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    1. Mary, I so agree about the energy negativity takes. I often think that the negative energy backfired in a way, and helped Jim and I become better people.

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  21. Had to laugh the other day when my Dad said to me - Thank God you never had kids. Where would your nieces and nephews be without you? And, it's true. I may not have children of my own but I have been able to provide a roof and financial support for 2 of my nephews and nurturing for most of the rest of the group. I'm always the one they go to for emotional support too and I'm happy to do it. It's nice to know that they never hesitate to call me to talk about important (and not so important) happenings or talk through a decision or seek my opinion. In the end, I have the greatest "children" around! Now I need to go find a tissue...

    Julie V.

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    1. Julie, as a lot of people have said, there are so many ways we "mother." And I can say from my own experience, there is something so special about the love of an aunt.

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  22. Very brave post, Carol. There are so many opportunities for mothering in the world, and I am sure you have mothered (and continue to mother) many people. But thank you for specifically sharing about step-mothering. Being honest about our experiences can help not only ourselves, but others too.

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    1. Julie, I wasn't sure at first that facing this particular "crow on my shoulder" would help me, but I survived :) and, I hope it does help others.

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  23. Carol, you may not have had biological children, but you were a mother to everyone you touched. I always valued your wisdom and sense of fairness, and the motherly way you cared for everyone in your sphere. I feel bad for your step-children and their children that they don't know you. Families are hard... whether its step-relationships, or in-laws, or sometimes even our blood parents and/or children. I know you have been hurt, and for that you have my sympathies. But even though you never carried a baby in your womb, you have always been, and will always be a wonderful mother to everyone in your life. Bravo for having the strength to write about your pain.

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    1. wow Felicia, thanks for those thoughts. I'm humbled. carol

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