A Few Minutes Channeling Andy Rooney (January 14, 1919 - November 4, 2011)

  

      Is it just me, or is there something incongruous about using the terms “Daylight Saving Time” and “snowstorm” in the same sentence? As I write this, the March snow has tapered off to flurries and the weather forecast promises temperatures in the 50s by midweek. The first day of spring is only a few days away.
     It isn’t the snow I mind so much. It’s Daylight Saving Time. Thanks to Congress, that bastion of efficiency, Daylight Saving Time now starts at a time of year when no one in their right mind wants to be outside even when the days are short! Arizona and Hawaii, where the weather is congenial all year long, don’t have Daylight Saving Time. Why are the rest of us subjected to it?
     I did a little research. Up until January 4, 1974, Daylight Saving Time was optional. Some states opted for it, others not. In Pennsylvania, where I grew up, Daylight Saving Time was the first harbinger of summer: set the clocks ahead, decorate the bikes for the Memorial Day parade, close the school books. In that order. Thanks to President Nixon, Daylight Saving Time became a national event, setting the clocks ahead on January 6, 1974. As a teenager who walked to school in the pitch dark that year, to me, that was Nixon’s impeachable offense.
     In 2005, Congress established Daylight Saving Time as it is today: giving us the benefit of longer daylight hours at the end of the day…to shovel the snow!

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     And while I am not so much in favor of saving daylight hours, I am in favor of saving money. So I clip coupons. Recently, I had a “buy one/get one” coupon for Nutella. Do you know Nutella? I had no clue.
     However, I had seen the television advertisements. Conscientious mother spreads Nutella on whole grain bread for ruddy youngsters. Healthy stuff, right?
     So, I got my BOGO Nutella and my whole grain bread. As I slid the knife into the jar, I was startled at the consistency. I was thinking peanut butter, but this was more like…?
     I spread the dark, creamy substance on my toasty bread and took a bite.
     I hate to tell you, folks: to me, this tastes like icing.(The first ingredient is sugar.)
    When did we start eating icing on our toast for breakfast? When did icing become a healthy food? To make matters worse, Hershey has come out with a similar product, trading on its brand name recognition.
     To think, I used to feel guilty licking the bowl!

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     Speaking of being clueless, is it now proper to pronounce silent consonants?
     I have given up protesting “off-ten.”
     But what really makes my ears go “ouch” is the current trend by a variety of local newscasters and radio announcers to mispronounce (I guess) that lovely Midwestern state of Illi-noise.
     This abuse of language makes me so mad, I just want to pack up my ve-hick-le and ride off into the sunset.

      Which, I know, is an hour later.

 (My apologies to the late Mr. Rooney, my favorite, if sometimes acerbic, curmudgeon.)