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Friday, December 6, 2013

Let’s Make Regrets Machines Obsolete


A few days before Thanksgiving, my Uncle Pete, my mothers last surviving sibling, died. The day after Thanksgiving, we lost Jim's Aunt Claire. Now we have one living aunt on his side of the family, and one on mine. 

We are at that age. And yet. 

The same day Aunt Claire died, I read a short essay about the five regrets of the dying, http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html.

Of the five, I wish I hadn't worked so hard, is the one that made me pause.  

Over the years, I have been stranded in enough blizzards trying to get to work on days the sane people stayed home to know; I too often put work first. 

Earlier this year, a friend's son died suddenly. On the day of his funeral, I was scheduled to make an important presentation to a group of senior leaders and physicians, not an easy meeting to cancel and reschedule. I asked coworkers to take over for me, but I was the "subject matter expert" and no one was comfortable filling in.  

In spite of knowing in my heart where I needed to be that day, I made the wrong choice. 

Missing that funeral is in my Regrets Machine stuck on replay, replay, replay, in my head. 

When I realized Aunt Claire's funeral conflicted with a planned training program, I was reluctant to inconvenience a few dozen managers by rescheduling. I almost did it again. 

I almost put work first.  

This time, I get to replay gratitude instead of regret, because Jims gentle nudging and that essay about the five regrets of the dying helped me get it right. 

I cant change the years of working too hard or choosing to put work first. Instead of regretting them, I can learn from them. 

Life is all about choices.  From now on, I choose to follow my heart and make my regrets machine obsolete.  

How about you? Are you ready to ditch your regrets machine, too?
 
 

16 comments:

  1. As the workaholic, Type A, nurse, it took losing my Mom to realize that you never know when it will be "the last ______". The last Christmas, the last birthday, the last Mother's Day, the last shopping trip, the last vacation, etc. You can never regret one moment spent with a loved one, family member or friend. So I treat every moment as if it may be the last and cherish each and every second.

    Julie V.

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    1. Julie, I agree, I've never regretted time with loved ones. Thanks for that reminder. Carol

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  2. Carol, Thanks for reminding us that these moments really define what matters in life. The celebration of life for Sister Clare Jane had to feel so much better than the business gig. I know how much it pains you to let anyone down, but sometimes you just have to make the right call and not feel sorry for it.

    As I think about how I want to spend the next 20+ years of my life these questions weigh heavily on me. It always feels like financial reasons compel us to go one way,but I wonder what we are sacrificing on so may levels to feel "secure".

    Rest in peace, Sister Clare Jane. She looks like such a happy soul. Condolences to Jim and you.

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    1. Chris, the celebration of Aunt Claire's life was beautiful with lots of story telling and songs. She would have approved.
      and, she was a happy soul, her former students called her Sister Smiley.

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  3. It's not an easy thing - to ditch those regrets. As I get older I think I try to do more of the things I want to do and fewer of the things I think I ought just because it pleases someone else. Take writing. I always wanted to write a novel and after years of never having time I started. But then I stopped! It took my brother's sudden death aged 55 (five years ago) to prompt me to keep going. It was one of those if you don't you'll regret it and one day it will be too late moments. I'd hate to think I will live my life being spurred on because something bad happened. Seize the day and make things happen that's what I tell my children and that's how it should always be. Sorry for your losses.

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  4. Fran, It helps me when I am able to think of those times "something bad happened" as opportunities to learn something I need to know.
    Like you, I often wish I could learn those things some other way.

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  5. That is a beautiful thing to learn and take away. Thanks also for telling us about Sister Smiley.

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  6. Thanks Jasmine, in all my years of knowing her, I rarely saw her without a smile

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  7. I found out many of these lessons when my 16 year old daughter died of cancer just a few days before Christmas. Her life had been lived wide open. Even when we brought her home just after Thanksgiving and she knew she was dying, her last wishes were to bring her friends to the house so she "could say hi to everyone". She approached life - and death - with humor and courage.

    In the years that have passed, I have found that the things that I regret have been the things I didn't do. My husband and I have said that we wished we'd bought our boat sooner or done more with our kids or …well, you get the idea. I make it a point to not turn down so many experiences - it's what's lead me to become a 50-something, overweight, half-marathon runner (among other things). If you leave your life open to new possibilities, they seem to come to you when you need them. Regrets are a terrible thing to live with. Sometimes you try to make the best choice in the circumstances and I know your friend understands. But as you said Carol, I have never found anyone, anywhere, who regrets moments spent with loved ones over time spent on the job. Always follow your heart.

    Thanks for sharing Aunt Claire. She seems to radiate love and joy. Hugs and prayers to your family for their loss. I know Heaven welcomed her with open arms.

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  8. Joy M. BrillDecember 07, 2013

    Well said Carol.

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. p,s, that should be your not you're :)

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  9. We live and grow more often from our regrets. I am thankful for the regrets because they made my present and future much brighter.

    You have another special angel watching over you Carol <3

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  10. Hi Mare, so true that we learn so much from regrets. I'm smiling because that reminds me of something a coworker said to me years ago when I used a similar line. "You know, at this time in my life, I'm just not sure I need another opportunity to learn" :) sending love for a happy holiday to you and Dennis and your family.

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  11. lol I love it! I will most certainly 'borrow' your saying in the future...too many times I am sure :)

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  12. Yes, we all have regrets. I try to learn the lesson, forgive myself, and move on. This is a good reminder about remembering what matters most in life.

    Thanks, Carol.

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